Sad

I’m sad. Not the crying kind of sad, although if I could cry I would. The empty kind of sad, where everything around you seems to swallow you whole. And no matter how loud and busy your surroundings may be everything is quiet apart from the thoughts in your head. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car, my chest feels empty but heavy at the same time. Like a balloon, but instead of helium it’s filled with something else, a gas which weighs about 10 tonne.

I’m sad because I have the kind of sad that just doesn’t go away with the cure of your favourite film, or food or whatever. It’s the sad that eats you from within and lingers for days or weeks on end. 

I want it to go away, but this is just the start, it’s only going to get worse from here.

Champagne Corks

I haven’t written in a while and I really want to post more, so here I am. I’m having one of those days were you’ve suppressed all your emotions and you feel like a champagne cork, waiting to be popped at any moment. Saying that I popped a champagne cork at work yesterday and hit a lady with it (in the arm, she was fine) and the noise it made sounded like someone had fired a gun, then again the cork did hit the ceiling. But overall that experience was awful, so top tip, when popping champagne bottles keep your thumb over the cork.  Any way I just feel like i’m at battle with myself, I feel sad but for no reason, or maybe for many reasons, but I just can’t pinpoint what the reasons may be, I’m not sure, I’ll figure it out.

I’ve tried to keep up with my exercising (which I said about in my last post) but because of the recent snow I haven’t been able to go out running or I’d slip and fall and probably break my neck. But when the weather gets better I’m going to get out as soon as I can, I also need to sign up to the gym at my work but I keep forgetting *mental note to self to do that*. But I do intend to continue this resolution, despite the amount of pizza I may or may have not consumed this month.

Also I bought this coat the other day, I don’t know why I’m sharing this but lets just roll with it, and it’s such a ugly coat, but I love it. It’s pink, purple and orange and the colours are all just merged together, it’s vintage and is extremely over sized but I just love everything about it. I’ve worn it to college a few time and its weird because everywhere I go people stare and they really do stare but it’s nice, because at the end of the day I am wearing what I want and pleasing myself and that feels good. And I just thought I’d share that, take what you will from my ramble, I had no main purpose for this post as you can probably tell, ah well.

Stay Sweet

x

Yo It’s Me

I haven’t written anything in ages, since august holy fuck, which is mainly because I felt like I had nothing worth while to write but now I do, so i’m just going to blabber on for a bit.

I’m at college now, well I have been since September, but as I said, I haven’t written in ages. I’m trying to work hard, I want all A’s in my subjects and I know that if I work hard and put in all the effort I probably can do it but sometimes that’s harder to do in practice. I also now have a job, as a waitress, which is a very shitty job because some customers can be right arseholes, so here’s my advice to you; please if you ever go out for a meal and something is wrong tell your waitress/waiter as soon as possible because they will fix any issue you have immediately, so when you tell them don’t be rude about it, don’t shout at them, or insult them for the love of god, they did not cook your food, they would not know if your chicken was dry, it’s such a massive fucking downer when customers treat you like shit at work, it doesn’t happen often but when it does it pisses you off so much, so be nice to people, they’re only human. Apart from some bad customer I experiences I enjoy working, I’ve met loads of new people and it’s nice to have my own income, even if I get a shitey pay of £3.79 an hour, fuck you minimum wage.

I made a new years resolution this year, to get fitter, so out of the 10 days of this year so far I have been running 7/10 days, which is fairly good for me, normally I can’t dedicate myself to exercise but i’m really trying. I’m also planning on eating healthier, which was supposed to start at the beginning of the month also but yeah, my friends are bad influences on me seeing as we go to town every lunch at college (goddamn you mcdonalds and subway) so i’m going to try and eat healthily starting on monday ((I WILL DO THIS)).

I’m really not happy with the way I look, I have an idea why, which is mainly to do with the fact that I’ve got this fucked up idea in my head that boys only like girls who are skinny and pretty, which isn’t true and I know it isn’t but I use it as an excuse to put my mind at rest. It’s kind of like I think that if I was skinnier boys would like me, but they won’t, and it’s a stupid way to think because people should like you for your personality not depending on how much you weigh but I can’t get that into my head. In reality boys just don’t like me, I am a repellent, I don’t know why, maybe I just haven’t met anyone who understands me yet, and that sounds cringey as fuck but it’s true. I thought going to a college with 2,000 students would give me a chance to meet someone, well a male, who was more compatible with me, but nope.

That’s about it for now folks, hope you’re all doing well and happy new year n stuff

X

Results

I got my results yesterday, and I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I was the day before, in fact to be honest I was so beyond worrying I literally just wanted to know what I had got so my friends and I could go to Pizza Express for our celebratory lunch #priorities. Any way I got 4 A’s, 5 B’s and 2 C’s which means I passed everything and can take all the subjects I want at college (yey). To be honest at the time when I opened my results I was quite disappointed as I had completely fucked up in my English Literature exam so I only got a C when my target grade had been an A, but oh well I passed, I got an A in English Language which I’m taking at college so it doesn’t matter. So basically when I was worrying the other day I was worrying over nothing so yeah silly me.

Any way ….

I hope everyone else who got their results yesterday got what they wanted and a huge well done for surviving the exam period, I am proud of you.

X

Nervous

Tomorrow is the day I get my GCSE results, a day which I have dreaded for a long time and I am nervous and very scared right now. Although I am fully aware that there is no point worrying about my results because what’s done it done, I still feel like I am being sucked into a big black hole of fear. I just really hope I get the grades I want because honestly I do feel like I worked so hard and did plenty of revision so I just hope that it all pays off. I don’t know why I’m so scared but I just dread the feeling of disappointment and I really don’t want to open my envelope to see grades which I won’t be proud of. I’m just really under a lot of pressure as my older sister got 8 A*’s and 2 A’s in her GCSE’S, and even though I know I won’t get any A*’s I really hope I have grades like that which my family will be happy with, because they have really high expectations after my sisters results. And although getting results that you didn’t want isn’t the end of the world, everyone has their own goals and self pride, which I believe people should remember before they complain about someone being upset because they’re sad that they got a B instead of an A.

Any way, by this time tomorrow I will have my results and depending how it goes I’ll probably do a blog post on it, maybe. But anyway to everyone else getting their results tomorrow, good luck and I really hope you get the results you wanted!!!

X

Empty

I feel empty, like a big black hole has swallowed me up from the inside. I am here, I am living, breathing and I have good health, but now that’s not enough anymore. I feel alone, like I’m sat watching everyone else get on with their lives while I sit unable to do anything, isolated, frozen.

I feel empty because I feel like my main purpose is life is to be inferior to others, like I am here to make other people feel good about themselves. I am the comparison, the person people can look at and think ‘well it could be worse, you could be her’. And it’s funny because I’ve always known that and I’ve never given a fuck about it, but now I do. I do because when I look at myself I just see this massive looser who people are ashamed of. I look at my friends and wonder how I’m friends with them, sometimes I wonder if they actually like me, or am I just a tag along who they feel sorry for?

I feel empty because I will never be good enough, there’s always someone who’s more prettier, smarter, funnier and just overall better. Someone who’s just not me. I don’t think I can ever imagine someone being proud of me, proud to know me or to call me their friend because people like me aren’t meant to be appreciated, we’re the people who make others feel good about themselves. And no matter what I do to try and break this pattern it just reforms, I am insignificant, I am that person you pick up and play with when all your other toys are broken, I am that person who you only bother with when it suits you.

I feel empty because I try so hard to please people, to make friends, to be there for people and I just can’t do it any more.

All I want is to feel appreciated and valued, I don’t want to feel empty anymore.

Prom

On Friday it was my year 11 prom and it was such a lovely occasion. Despite the stress of getting ready and wearing shoes which weren’t really that comfortable *damn you high heels* I had a really nice time with my friends. It was lovely seeing how well people scrubbed up and everyone’s lovely dresses and the boys in their suits. It was also nice for once to go out where no one was drinking and everyone was having a good time without alcohol, minus the teachers who were pretty drunk, which just made the evening even more hilarious! My friendship group and I arrived to the venue in this really snazzy vintage red double decker bus and it was so nice to ride in style and to have everyone look at you as you drove by!

We also had a cheesy disco which was surprisingly fun, because at first despite the fear of being judged for dancing, everyone eventually was up dancing to the cha cha slide (which was hilarious) and it was nice to not feel uncomfortable whilst dancing because I love to dance.

I had such a great time and I’m so sad that it’s over because that’s the last time I’ll be with my whole year group as we have now left school to go to different colleges and move on with our lives. It just feels so weird that I’ve left school and that I no longer belong to a community which I have been comfortable in for 5 years. However I am extremely excited to move on to college and meet new people.

I’m not exactly sure how to end this blog post but I thought that I should share a picture of me in my prom dress so yeah hi.

Till next time,
Lucy x

Finished

On Monday I finally finished my exams, and after 21 exams I’d just like so say thank fuck. This exam period has probably been the most challenging and draining affair that I have ever endured. And after 7 weeks of exams and even more weeks of revision I don’t know what to do with myself, I am not used to not revising. I even find my self panicking about revision and then I remember that exams are over and revision is no longer something I have to worry about, it’s so weird, i’m not used to this freedom or having no work or responsibilities. 

I wrote this following extract during the exam period and it basically just describes how i felt during study leave, I was going to post it when I wrote but I forgot;

I’m on an endless roller coaster going nowhere; I wake up every morning to the same tedious life and do the same things every day. My everyday routine is so drilled into me that if you cut me open it would be imprinted on my internal organs and would flow within my blood stream. I’m so disinterested; I feel more like a machine than an actual living being, I’m emotionless.  My mind feels vacant and I find myself constantly not caring about anything, I just want to keep myself to myself, I want to be alone.

I just think it highlights how much the stress of exams can effect you because I have never written anything like this before and I feel completely different now that the weight of exams has been lifted from my shoulders.

Anyway now that I have all this spare time on my hands I hope to be blogging more often,

That’s all for now

X

 

Exams

Hi, I know I haven’t blogged in 10.2 million years but I have been in the midst of my GCSE’s which have been slowly killing my soul. Fortunately I am almost finished (hurrah!) although I still have 5 exams left which don’t actually finish till the 23rd of June boo :(((

But I am alive and as soon as my exams are finished my summer starts and I will hopefully be blogging again soon

xx

I fucked up

I talked to you every day endlessly for months, leading you on then I dropped you. I just stopped replying to your texts, initiating convocations and I can’t tell you why because I don’t even know myself. But I miss you and I still like you and I don’t know why I’m such a selfish reclusive bitch but I don’t think I’ll ever change. Yet you know what the worse thing is, I only realised this when someone else tried to have you, and there’s me, complaining all this time about how ‘no one cared’ and how ‘no one ever wanted me’,

Damn, don’t I feel shit about it now